How to Heal From a Friendship Betrayal

Inspired by a client session. “Sarah,” shared with her permission, and a betrayal I lived through myself last year, this episode gets honest about the friendship kind of heartbreak: betrayal, gaslighting, being smeared behind your back, watching someone play both sides.

I break down why your mind can't always see it coming, how gaslighting erodes trust in your own memory, and the real pattern behind smear campaigns and being made the villain, plus what actually helps you heal.

In This Episode

• The client story that inspired this episode
• Betrayal blindness 
• The gaslight effect
• DARVO — the pattern behind smear campaigns • Triangulation and the two-faced “friend”

• An invitation into Release & Rewire, starting August 8th — in person or virtual

August Release & Rewire Series, Email: Hello@ChrissyMay.com

Transcript

Cooking Soup And Hitting Record

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Happy Saturday and hi from my kitchen. You are going to be a part of my cooking today. I just decided to do an impromptu episode, and I thought, you know what? What if I just grab my mic, little handheld mic, and go in the kitchen and finish my soup. I am making baked potato soup. Talk about a fat kid recipe. Are you kidding me? I never make potato soup. However, for those of you who live here locally in Scottsdale, you understand the weather has been overcast quite a bit all week, finally in monsoon season, and it just brought out those cozy vibes of homemaking and baking and all the things that I did as a kid and I love doing. And yeah, I love cooking. I cleaning is therapeutic for me. Obviously, if you heard the episode last week, I love to do yard work. So yeah, I am definitely a Midwestern girl. So I'm in the kitchen. If you hear anything in the background, just tune it out because I am making soup. And I'm thinking, my gosh, I can just do a quick episode at the same time. Talk about stacking. This is the ultimate stacking right now. Cooking and podcasting. I think it's a new thing. So I was thinking, because usually my episodes are inspired by something that I've gone through, I've overcome, so I can help you with, or client sessions, or something I read online, or a book or something, right?

A Client’s Heartbreak And Old Wounds

SPEAKER_00 1:35

And I'm sitting here and I kept thinking to myself, I wonder how she's doing. So let's call her Sarah, because obviously client confidentiality, I can't give you her real name. Sarah starts working with me a couple weeks ago, and she comes to me because she's trying to move through a series, a season, excuse me, of heartbreak. And no, not the kind of heartbreak you think. It wasn't from a breakup from a significant other friendship betrayal. And I was like, oh boy. So for those of you who heard my earlier podcast episodes this year, you knew that I went through a very tough season late last year with my own friendship betrayal. And I never give details because that's not the kind of person I am. I'm not like that. However, I did go through a really tough season last year of that. And I went off of social media for three and a half months. I finally come back on, finally sit in the seat of my podcast and get that going again. Finally start getting my retreats and my clients back in order. And through that season, I learned a lot. I got super crystal clear. I became highly discerning. My standards rose higher than ever before in my life. And I knew that it was a tremendous gift that was given to me of what I went through. And also, if you've ever gone through really tough seasons, you're like, God, why? Why me? What is this for? Maybe you're in it right now. Maybe you're in the thick of it. Whether it's your health or your finances, or you're going through heartbreak, or you're going through betrayal. Just fill in the blank of whatever pain point you may be experiencing. And we do ask those questions, like why? And more times than not, you don't really receive the answer, the real aha moment until many months, oftentimes years down the line. And so I fortunately had mine pretty early on. And also I've been given gifts frequently that have been coming into my life additionally since then that have gone, ah, okay, and this is one of them. So I can work with Sarah with so much more empathy and understanding because of real life experience. And I speak to this a lot because, you know, it's I have dozens and dozens of certifications. I have several degrees. And if you have an ounce of not, you know, being able to uh hold information and test well, it's not that hard to really get a certification or get a degree. It just requires a certain level of focus and discipline and follow-through, right? That's really what it takes. And so while certifications and degrees are important, absolutely you have to have knowledge in your area of expertise. And I've always spoken to this. The real, real expertise, in my personal opinion, comes with life-lived experience. And so I love speaking to situations that I've gone through, that I've overcome, that I have done myself rather than speaking from theory. And so when I'm working with Sarah, I just feel her so deeply. I can feel her pain like it was like it's my pain, like it was just yesterday. And that's not something that a lot of people can give their clients. They can hear them, they can hold space, you know, you hear that hold space for people, they can hold space for them, they can just listen. And while those are all amazing, it doesn't equal lived experience. So you know this. Like if you've talked to someone who's gone through the same thing you've gone through, it feels different when you're like, yeah, I get it because I've gone through it myself. Kind of like having children. I will never understand fully what it's like to be a mother and give birth because I've never given birth. So I don't try to understand that. I don't try to sit with the moms out there, like, yeah, I totally get it. And like, no, I don't, because while I can have my opinion or observation, I have really no space to speak to it because I've never gone through it. And so I don't enter that category. I leave it to the moms, and more power to you, mamas, because it's an incredible job that you have. And so I love speaking to you what I've gone through. And so Sarah and I have had really deep discussions, and it's just fun to see her already rise in the short couple weeks that we've been working together. But I'm sitting in the kitchen thinking, I wonder how she's doing. Because I can't just turn it off. Even with my clients, like for those of you who are listening that are my clients, by the way, you're always on my mind. It's not like, it's not like I see you for our sessions and it's like, bye. I you're still on my mind. You're still in my energy, and I'm still thinking of you, and either, you know, trying to figure out problem solving for your better ways that I can show up as a leader to help you navigate whatever you're going through. And so she's on my mind today in the kitchen while I'm baking potato soup. And I thought, how can I help support any of you that are going through it right now? You listening right now, like the one listening right now. Are you going through it? Maybe you were cheated on, maybe you have a health concern, maybe you're financially drained, maybe you don't you don't, right? Like you're just in it through the thick of it. And all I can tell you is this, and this is obvious, and it's also true. It's not permanent. Like it's not permanent. I know it stings like hell, I know it's frustrating, I know it feels like your world is crumbling down, and hear this it's not permanent. That old saying, This too shall pass, as annoying it is to hear that when you're really in it, it's true. It will pass. And so if you can figure out a way to navigate this specific season of your life, so it doesn't have to sting so bad, then this episode is for

Let It Be Messy And Real

SPEAKER_00 8:46

you. I want to help you with that. I want to help you understand that one, it's okay to be messy. Yeah, messy's good. Messi's real good, actually. I got super messy. I remember when I was crying last year, you know, that like snotty crying like a little kid with snots coming out. That was me. Yeah. And I'm a grown woman. And I was crying like a baby. And how could somebody hurt me so bad? And all the things. And it does hurt. It's, you know, your feelings are valid. Everyone's feelings, by the way, are valid. I don't want to minimize that. And it's important to get it out. And you don't want to suppress things, you want to move through it. And for my stoic men out there, cry your eyes out. Like, please, please, please, please, please. You don't need to hold it all together. So many of you have had to hold it together for so long in your families. And I'm telling you right now, permission, go cry, go scream, go, I don't know, take an axe and axe something. Like just get it out, right? Don't let it sit in your body and let it manifest into dis-ease, which is oftentimes what happens. And I've seen people in my life go through this very thing where they bottled it up and didn't allow themselves to really feel through it. And it does. It will manifest into something. This isn't woo-woo. This is what happens to our bodies. And when you understand your body, you understand that you have to release the very thing that is bringing pain and suffering into your life. You have to move through it. And so, you know, today when I talk about Sarah and what she's going through and what I went through, it sucks because if you've ever been betrayed by someone you trusted or manipulated by someone who swore they had your back. Or how about a smear campaign? Oh my God, it's so cruel. I couldn't imagine being so just vengeful and hateful to smear people. It just gross and then smile to their face like it's nasty. Or maybe you're cheated on or gaslit or two-sided friendships, you know, they're nice to your face and they collect information just to talk about you behind your back. Yeah, I mean, it's out there, prevalent.

Betrayal Blindness Explained

SPEAKER_00 11:10

So here's the one thing I wanted to speak to. You think these things, like, why didn't I see it coming? That's the one question I hear all the time from all my clients, including myself, when I went through it. How did I not see this coming? And the thing of it is, when you really reflect on it, you did. You did see it coming, you did see the red flags. You know, that was my first takeaway when I went through what I went through, was like, yes, I saw the red flags immediately and I ignored them. I ignored all of it. And I'm gonna tell you why this happens. And so a psychologist by the name of Jennifer Fred spent decades studying this, and she calls this specifically when I'm speaking to betrayal, she calls it betrayal trauma. And really, what happens when someone you depend on violates your trust. Um, and one of her findings explains exactly what Sarah kept asking me, and so many is wow, did I not see this coming? Well, there's a name for it, and it's called betrayal blindness. Have you heard of that before? I thought that was so crazy to hear that because it's like, yeah, betrayal blindness. You know, and it's when someone that hurts you, that's close to you, you literally block yourself from seeing it clearly because there's a part of you that's trying to protect the relationship. Isn't that mind-blowing? I mean, this, and it's not about that you're weak or you're naive. It's literally your brain trying to keep you safe in the only way it knew how. That to me was like when I was reading articles on it, I'm like, duh, that's exactly it. How many times do we, you know, see ourselves if we're in these really fragile moments of survival mode? We're just trying to survive. Like, yeah, we want, we want to find our tribe and we want to love them hard, and we want to do all the things. And at the same time, that can be very, very unhealthy if you start allowing yourself to protect the need for that relationship, that circle, that tribe, and turn off the obvious, which is those red flags, which is, oh my God, I did see it coming. And I've seen incidences where even like people fall like find themselves falling into um moments of like gaslighting, and they think, you know, I'm the crazy one, or maybe I didn't see it right. And then they go down that whole rabbit hole, and it's like, no, you're not crazy. You're you saw it correctly. It's just this whole situation took a life of its own and caused you to start second guessing yourself. And that was what happened with Sarah. And it wasn't just losing her friendship, the betrayal that you know happened, it was also getting turned into the villain of the story while it was happening. Again, I feel her pain very, very closely

DARVO And Smear Campaign Tactics

SPEAKER_00 14:20

on this one. And there's actually a name for this. It's called, it's basically Darvo. And the D stands for deny, A is attack, R is reverse victim, and O is offender. So deny, attack, reverse victim, and offender. And the psychologist that I was reading all these um articles on, she identifies this pattern too, and it's when someone causes harm to you, denies it happened, they literally cause harm to you, like cruel harm. They know what they're doing, they're being vindictive or manipulative or whatever it may be, they're causing harm to you. Then they deny it ever happened. And then they attack the person calling it out. You go and call it out, say, hey, you, what you're doing isn't right. And they attack you for calling it out and then flip the narrative so they look like the victim, and you the aggressor. And when this starts getting really ugly, that's what a smear campaign actually is. It's cruel, it's strategic. The person is fully conscious of what they are doing, and they do it anyway. They want control. They want control of the story before you ever get a chance to tell your side of it. And so I've seen this happen. It happened to me last year, it's now happening to Sarah, and I'm not about it. Like I'm sick and tired of watching people think they can just run around and wreck havoc on people's lives and not be held accountable. If you are dealing with someone like this right now, obviously, obvious, this goes without saying, detach completely. Zero contact. Zero. I don't care if you have mutual quote unquote friends or not, zero contact. You have to silence it completely. Pull the plug completely. Don't run around trying to save your name. You don't need to. And this is one thing that I'm so grateful that I did last year. I could have run around, I could have told everyone my side of the story. That's not true. What you're hearing, and I have proof to show you this is exactly what happened. I didn't do it. I could have easily done it. Easily, and I chose not to. I, because of who I am, I leaned into God, my faith, my women's group, my close friends and family, and I tuned out everything else. I went off of social media for three and a half months, I went inward, I felt the pain, I went through it, I healed it, and I worked with very trusting individuals that I've known for years. Trusting. Just because someone's a therapist or a coach or a practitioner or a healer, whatever you want to call yourself, does not mean they are of integrity. And I had to learn the hard way, which was ultimately the most incredible gift that God gave me and one that I'm able to pass on to Sarah. And so cutting contact, don't run around thinking you have to save your name. If you're a believer like I am, God has you. It will be revealed in time. It may not be on your time, it will be revealed in time. I'm already seeing it on my end, the fallout of what happened, because the people are coming back in my life asking questions. Why is that? Hmm, exactly. So, no contact. And I would really take the time to nurture you.

No Contact And Stronger Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 18:18

Self-inquiry. Get curious. You know, why is it that you chose to ignore red flags? We've all been there. This isn't about shaming yourself. You don't need that. No shaming, no guilting, none of that. Just sit with it. Like, why did I why did I ignore that? I saw it early on and I chose to ignore it. Why? What inside me? Like these are the questions I would sit with. And do it without shaming yourself. It's just getting curious on areas where you need to maybe go deeper with self-love. Trust your intuition. Trust that inner guidance system. Trust the voice of God speaking to you. Holy Spirit moving through you. Just dangling that bell right in front of your face, going, no, no, no, no, no, no. This isn't the path. This isn't the way. Listen. This is where when you sit in stillness, when you get real quiet, that's when you can hear. That's when you can hear the knowing of it all. And that's why it's a purpose into not suppressing, not avoiding. Because if you do that, if that's the path you're going to go down, you're going to repeat the same lesson. And maybe the second, third, fourth, fifth time, maybe it's going to be louder. Maybe it's going to hurt worse. Do yourself a favor. Give yourself the gift and what you need to move through. This is really important. And knowing that it's not your fault. Like this is just how humans are going to be. The ones that are not healed, that are unhappy, that are really broken inside, they're insecure, those are the ones that are going to try to wreak havoc on your life. Because ultimately they don't have what you have. They don't have the peace. They don't have the security or whatever it is that they desire so deeply. They have to tear you down. They have to make you look like the bad guy. It's not on you. Don't take it personally. If anything, it's confirmation. Like you're on the right path. You're doing something great. Right? Like go live your dreams. Go thrive. Get big. Do what you want to do. Go shine bright. Keep shining. People are going to talk. People are going to try to make you look less than. And those are always the ones that are most the highly, highly insecure. I've found that to be true. I've never met a human being who is happy, who is thriving, who has love in their heart, God in their heart, all the things, and tear down other people. I haven't met it. Maybe you have, but that hasn't been my experience. Those people, they want to see you win. They don't try to smear your name. If anything, they're cheering for you in the background. Even when you're not in the room, they're speaking life about you. That is what you want for yourself and your life. And be the same for others, by the way. Be it, right? You want it, be it. And so this is where we now develop higher standards, healthier boundaries. How do you want to navigate life? What are you willing to accept, tolerate, whatever that may be for you? Everyone's different. You may not share the same belief that I have, and that's okay. I don't look down on you because you don't share the same beliefs, and hopefully you don't too.

Faith And A Less Polarized Lens

SPEAKER_00 21:56

We're in a world right now where it's more, I would say. More polarizing than ever before. I just went on Instagram yesterday and I saw a post from somebody who was like, um, now that I'm a follower of Jesus, I can tell you with all certainty that this is demonic and this is demonic and this is demonic. And I'm like, here we go. I get it. I get it. Born and raised in a very devout Christian family. I went to private school my whole life. I go to church. I love God. I love Jesus. I'm not going to sit here and preach that what you're doing unless you're being vengeful and hateful and all the things is demonic unless you're doing witchcraft, which is demonic. Witchcraft goes without saying. But it was a post on like um, oh, I know what it was, because I'm I do hypnotherapy. I'm a clinical hypnotherapist. And it was like hypnotherapy is demonic. Well, maybe who's administering it? I can tell you right now, I've met Reiki masters in the quote unquote spiritual healing communities that are black, black magic, gypsies, and all the things in witchcraft, yes, that's demonic, 100%. And I've also met incredible humans who have a love for God, who have a love for humanity, that are truly there to help as conduits of God to help others. Is that demonic? I don't think so. I think it's intent, I think it's who's doing the service, and that's most important when finding a practitioner or a coach or therapist. You want to know their background. I'll tell you right now, I don't want to go to somebody who's you know born and raised in a gypsy family and all they've done is witchcraft, witchcraft, and black magic. That's a no for me. It's a no for me. So anyway, I went off a little tangent because I just feel like it's just so polarizing right now. You can't get on without someone like saying this is wrong or that's wrong. I don't speak like that. I'm not gonna tell you you're wrong unless you're doing something so horrific and hurting people and betraying people, manipulating people, like vengeful, cruel stuff. That's the stuff I don't subscribe to. If you don't share the same exact belief as me, I don't think you're less of a person. I do not. And so I just feel nowadays we can still have healthy debates and still flourish together without having this be so black and white, which it seems like to me lately it's all it is online, which is why I've been taking even more social media breaks. And I will be hiring my marketing team to come back on to um post for me and spend more time on my social so I don't have to. Just because I I don't want to get sucked in too deeply. I love engaging with so many of you. I love engaging with and you know, cheering my friends on and their stuff and their posts and their businesses and and supporting them. I love doing that. It really lights me up. And at the same time, I love hopping off. I love doing yard work or making potato soup in my kitchen, which I think it's almost done right now. Yeah, it is. All right, I can mash those up and put it in the crock pot.

Suffering Is Optional Grace Helps

SPEAKER_00 25:25

Um, so yeah, just an impromptu episode today, and it was inspired from my client Sarah, and witnessing her in a very dark season, and also holding a candle, a light that I know she will be able to learn and receive this gift and blessing that she can look back on and go, Oh my gosh, now I know why. And I just wanted to share that with you because I feel that while we all are going through something, I feel like when we can share it and speak of it into it, it really helps the process of moving beyond it. Like it's therapeutic to be able to speak it and to understand that you're not alone. Like if you're going through something, I promise you're not alone. Like we, it regardless of what you may perceive from social media or whatever it may be, or in your communities. I don't know anyone that is like, yeah, my life's perfect. It's just perfect right now. There is nothing wrong. You may have a really close to perfect day, you know, but everyone has something. And it's just a matter of how you choose to move through it that really matters most. So this is your permission slip to give yourself some grace. Really don't shame yourself. Don't create stories or narratives that are going to pull you back into suffering. Like, literally, suffering is optional. I remember times in my life where I was unknowingly, because I just was so not in a good place, I was choosing suffering. You it's a choice to sit in it, and it's a choice to get out of it and rise above it. Two things can be true at the same time. When my dad passed away four years ago, I remember being on my walks, like praising God for the life that I had with my dad and crying at the same time. Like I was so hurt and so much pain because I missed him so much. And also I was smiling and just praising God, saying, Thank you. Thank you for letting me have 80 years with my dad, or whatever. My dad passed away, I think he was 80, I can't remember exactly. Um, you know, not that I had full 80, but I had my father that lived to 80, that I was able to experience a really full life with him. And there's that attitude of, yeah, it hurt, and I'm also grateful, right? So maybe you're in it right now and you're hurting. And also be grateful. Also be grateful that you're able to experience life still, even if it's not so bright, even if it seems like this is never going to pass, that you're in it, it will pass, and you will be able to rise again and help others. That's what we're here for. We're we're here to help each other. As um, I think it was Ram Doss that had said, you know, we're we're here to walk each other home. We're walking each other home. And when we can lean into each one, each one of us that's going through all these ups and downs, I feel that life is so much more richer. It really is. And it doesn't have to be so heavy. That's that's really the moral of this entire episode. It doesn't have to be so heavy. You have a choice, and this too shall pass. So on that note, I am going to finish my potato

Walking As A Daily Reset

SPEAKER_00 29:22

soup. The sun is coming out, and I'm gonna put in the crock pot. And then I'm going to take another walk because I've been walking like five miles a day, and I love it. Walking is so underrated. I I can't imagine not having my walks. So I encourage you, if you're looking to do something and you think, oh, walking's not that big of a deal, start walking two, three, four, five miles a day. It's amazing. I love it. Halo loves it too, and I take her along with me. She's like, yeah, mommy, this is the best. As she's sleeping right now.

Release And Rewire Series Invitation

SPEAKER_00 30:02

Um so if you're looking for, sorry, baby, if you're looking for uh support and you're local in Arizona, I'm releasing a four-part series next month called Release and Rewire. And it's going to be in person at Shanti Sound here in Scottsdale. Carrie Blue is the owner of the space, and she's so she's just amazing. She actually has a space for her own practice, meaning like her own sessions and stuff. And she also, uh uh, for certain people, will allow it to be rented out. And I have some big news coming. I'm not gonna drop it just yet, because it's not official, official. However, while this other thing is unfolding, I am renting space from Carrie. So I will be at Shanti Sound in August. It's gonna be four Saturdays, starting August 8th at 10 in the morning, and I'm gonna take you through four weeks of releasing, letting go of all that is holding you back, that is keeping you stuck, that is not serving you any longer. Whatever you're going through, I'm gonna guide you through it. I've gone through it myself, and I've risen above and been able to flourish. So, again, not just theory, not just from my certifications, yet from lived experience and having done it myself. So, starting August 8th, Saturday, and you're gonna have you're gonna get a journal. I'm gonna give you a custom recording, not anything that I've done before. It's specifically for this class, this session, and also going to do a few other surprises, which I don't want to reveal just yet. Because then if I give it all away, then you're like, well, I already know it all. So I'd rather have something to surprise you with. If you're interested, just click the link in the show notes. It'll be my email for now, which is hello at chrissymay.com. Send me an email. Give me your name, your number that you want in. I'll give you a link to secure your spot. There is limited availability because I like to have a spacious room. I don't like to pack people on top of one another. For me, I just it's claustrophobic for me. I can't imagine for uh the receiver. So I like to have space in between. So secure your space as soon as possible if you're interested. And if you're not local, I will offer an online virtual offering as well. The investment I feel is so minimal for what my offerings usually are. It's $333, so $333 for four sessions, custom recording, journal, transformation. Really is what you're paying for is a transformation, by the way. That's a whole new episode. I'm gonna speak to that. And people ask me, like, how much is something? I'm like, how much are you willing to pay for to achieve X? It's it's really interesting in how you look at stuff. So anyway, 333, four sessions, and then also I'm going to open up a community so that way those that are coming, and I'll be in it as well, through the four-week series, if you choose to pop in our community, we can talk to one another, we can support one another. That's what this is about. Again, when you see that a lot of us are going through the same thing, it really helps support the process of healing and transformation. I I love it and I'm so grateful to be a part of it and help facilitate your next chapter along your journey. So reach out to me. Link is in the show notes, and let me know either way, in person or virtual. Alrighty.

Weekend Blessing And Sign Off

SPEAKER_00 33:58

I'm gonna get my soup done. Make it a beautiful and blessed weekend. Much love.